The vulnerability of calling out bad behaviour
I’ve been reflecting lately on a time that I called out poor behaviour by a man in a professional setting. Perhaps it wasn’t intentional but it was thoughtless and made me feel undermined. I also genuinely don’t believe that this situation would have happened if I was male. I felt the patronising undertones and a superiority complex that I often don’t see in male to male professional relationships.
I thought long and hard about how I would call out this behaviour. I didn’t want to cause any ‘drama’, I tried to persuade myself that he didn’t mean to do it and his intentions were good and I didn’t want to upset him. What if he got mad at me? Would there be a confrontation? How would our relationship be going forward? Was I being too sensitive? These are all the things that ran through my head as I over analysed and replayed the scenario again and again.
The next day, before I did anything I checked in with another colleague. ‘What do you think I should do?’ - checking myself, was I being too sensitive? Would it be a bad career move to call out this behaviour? How could I do this without rocking the boat?
So when I say I thought long and hard… I estimate that up to this point this whole situation had taken up valuable space in my head for around 16 hours. 16 hours that could've been used for far more productive things. Also when I think back the emotional energy that this was using up was draining, at a time when I was already loaded up with a busy work schedule and the caring duties that I juggle on a daily basis.
Eventually, after much internal turmoil I did it, I told him how his behaviour had made me feel and then I waited for an apology…. I am still waiting for an apology. What I got instead was a list of excuses and reasons for his behaviour - somewhere in there was a ‘I’m sorry you felt that way’ - not ‘I’m sorry I made you feel that way’.
I came away with no validation. I also thought about it for days/weeks afterwards (I am even writing a blog about it!), so how many hours of my precious time has that situation now commanded? And how much time do I think that scenario played in the mind of the man in question… probably the five minutes that it took for him to dismiss my concerns.
This is just one example of situations that I have found myself in as a woman in a very male dominated industry. Most of the time I haven’t spoken up, I’ve let the poor behaviour from male colleagues just slide past - not forgotten, just unresolved. I’ve also heard from many women in WIRI that their experiences are the same and some so unbelievably unacceptable that I think about them often.
So why don’t we challenge this behaviour? Some things that come to mind for me:
Doubting myself - Fear of calling out poor behaviour, especially when it’s got misogynistic undertones, as it feels like a big ‘accusation’ and you wonder if it’s all in your head.
Being labelled difficult - Being called an ‘angry woman’ or ‘miserable’ or ‘bitter’ - all terms that are far more likely to be used against women than men in a derogatory way.
Limiting my career success - The fear that challenging those more senior could also limit progress in your career - a problem that most men don’t have.
People pleasing - Our inherent need to be nice, kind and please others - taught to us by a system that was built by men.
Safety - Not feeling physically or emotionally safe in the moment. For many women, safety is not guaranteed even in professional settings.
The last point is important - As a woman, putting yourself out there and challenging the poor behaviour can feel dangerous, and in some cases in some countries around the world it can be dangerous.
It also takes up a huge amount of our time. So in addition to the unequal mental load and unpaid work we juggle in our everyday lives, we also have to carry the burden of navigating men’s behaviour towards us in the workplace (and in the world more generally, but that’s another blog!). All of this leads to our silence and continued acceptance, sorry, outward acceptance, of the situation.
So what is the answer? Should we simply stop ‘being so sensitive’? Should we ‘man up’ and give direct feedback and not worry about the consequences? Should we get angry and start shouting at those that overstep? Well, no not exactly. But we have to challenge these situations where it feels safe to do so, because unchallenged behaviour leads to women being complicit in enabling male power. Nothing will change if we don’t call it out. I came away from my situation feeling underwhelmed BUT I told my truth and I held my boundary. If that man hears the truth enough, perhaps he will start to listen, perhaps he will see that it’s his behaviour that is the problem. We can’t be sure that our voice will be heard but we can speak out loud anyway.
We also need other men to step in and challenge poor behaviour when they see it. Sometimes it’s safer for them to do it and unfortunately can have a bigger impact than just the women alone calling it out. But regardless of gender, if you hear a woman speaking up - support her - publicly, not quietly when no one else is listening. It’s also important for us to believe women when they say they are victims of discriminatory behaviour and ask ‘how can I help’.
I don’t see speaking up as a simple or easy fix, I see this as yet another generation of women having to be vulnerable and face potential consequences to start dismantling the patriarchal systems. I know that I will pass this baton on to my daughters who won’t have inherited a world from me that is free from misogyny and patriarchy. But if I can use my voice to make sure that they have a louder voice, then I’ve done my part.
One of the reasons Francesca and I created WIRI was because we wanted to create a safe space for women in male dominated industries. We had personally felt the solitude and loneliness of being in the minority (in fact, in some cases - the only one!). There is safety in numbers and there is hope if we join together.
If anything in this blog has resonated with you or you would like to catch up over coffee (virtual or otherwise) about challenges you have faced or are facing please do reach out to me. I can’t promise to fix it, but perhaps sharing will help validate you and unburden some of the heavy load you carry.
Shelley - March 2024
